When was the last time you really did something for yourself? A walk, or a quiet cup of coffee? Or an evening with friends, without having to go home halfway through? Do you care for someone? Then those moments are often the first to disappear. The care comes first. Everything else gets pushed back. And before you know it, there’s nothing left of “a little time for yourself”.
Maybe you recognise this. Maybe you even feel a little guilty that you miss it. That’s completely understandable. And you’re not the only one. Many caregivers slowly put themselves last, without noticing it. This article explains why time for yourself is important, especially then. And how you find that space again, step by step.
Not a luxury, but a necessity
Let’s start with something that may go against your gut feeling. Taking time for yourself is not selfishness and not a luxury. It’s simply a necessity.
You can look at it this way. You are the one who carries the care. If you collapse, your loved one loses an important support. You can only keep up the care if you keep yourself on your feet too. So caring well for yourself and caring well for someone else go together. If you care well for yourself, you can also care well for someone else.
Yet it often doesn’t feel that way. Many caregivers feel guilty the moment they do something for themselves. “How can I go and exercise now? My mother is waiting for me at home.” That guilt is completely normal. But you don’t have to feel guilty. You deserve that space. And in the end your loved one benefits from it too. A caregiver who catches their breath now and then keeps going longer, and with more patience.
How can you tell you’re going past your limit?
Before we get to solutions, it’s good to pause with yourself first. Because often we’ve been going past our limit for a while. We just don’t notice it. The care slowly asks more and more of you. At a certain point there’s no more time to just do nothing.
These are signals that it’s becoming too much:
- You sleep badly, or you’re tired almost all the time.
- You worry a lot, lie awake at night, or feel low.
- You lose your patience faster than you used to.
- You no longer have time for yourself, your friends, or your hobbies.
- You notice that your own health is getting worse.
Do you recognise a few of these things? Then don’t be alarmed. It doesn’t mean you’re failing or doing it wrong. It only means that the care is now becoming too much. You get too little rest and support back. That’s called carer overload. It happens to a great many caregivers — precisely the people who give it their heart and soul. It’s no reason for panic. But it is a signal to change something. Do that before it gets worse.
And the good thing is: you can do something about it. You don’t have to solve it all at once. Small steps already help.
How do you make room for yourself again?
Time for yourself rarely comes on its own. You’re allowed to take that time back deliberately. That starts with your own limits. And with daring to share the care. Below you can read how to do that step by step.
Learn to guard your limits
Setting limits often feels as if you’re letting the other person down. But actually the opposite is true. It’s precisely by guarding your limits that you keep up the care for a long time. Without limits you become overloaded. And then, in the end, you can’t care at all anymore.
You don’t have to start big. A few examples:
- Start small. Plan one moment for yourself every day. Even if it’s just ten minutes. A cup of tea, a walk around the block, or a moment of nothing.
- Practise saying “no”. You don’t have to do everything. Skip tasks that cost a lot of energy but aren’t really necessary.
- Recognise the difference between what you really have to do and what you think you have to do. That often makes more difference than you expect.
Dare to ask for help and share tasks
You don’t have to carry the care on your own. Yet many caregivers go a long time without asking for help. Sometimes out of habit. Sometimes because they don’t want to be a burden to others. But the people around you are often quite willing to do something. They just don’t know what.
So tell them exactly what you need. Ask your brother or sister for one fixed evening a week. Ask a neighbour to pick up the groceries. Let a friend go along to an appointment now and then. That way you share the care with others. You take the load off your shoulders. And you have time left over for yourself.
Are you getting stuck with this? Then talk about it. With someone you trust, with your GP, or with the MantelzorgLijn. There you can turn for advice, or simply a listening ear.
Hand the care over temporarily with respite care
Sometimes you need more than an hour here and there. Sometimes you really want to be able to fully recharge. A few days of rest. Or even a holiday for once. That’s possible, with respite care.
Respite care is replacement care. Someone else takes over the care of your loved one for a while. That way you can recover for a bit. Letting go for a while is allowed. That’s exactly what this care is meant for. There are various forms:
- Day care or day activities — during the day your loved one goes to a place with a fixed daily routine, activities, and company. Then those hours are yours.
- Respite lodging — your loved one stays for a while with a volunteer or in a facility.
- Short-term stay — your loved one stays for one to four weeks in a care facility. For example, so that you can really get away for once.
This is how you apply for respite care:
- Get in touch with the Wmo desk of your municipality (gemeente). (Wmo stands for the Wet maatschappelijke ondersteuning. With this law, your municipality helps people to keep living at home.)
- A conversation follows about your situation and what you need.
- You receive an assessment. That’s an official decision about the care you may receive. After that, you arrange the care together.
Please note: for respite care through the Wmo, you sometimes pay a personal contribution. That’s a part that you pay yourself. The Wmo desk can tell you exactly what that means for you.
A quick summary
- Time for yourself is not a luxury, but a necessity. You can only keep up the care if you also care for yourself.
- Do you feel guilty when you do something for yourself? That’s normal, but not necessary. You deserve that space.
- Watch for signals that you’re going past your limit: sleeping badly, being tired, worrying, losing your patience faster, no time left for yourself. That’s called carer overload. It’s a signal to change something, not a reason for panic.
- Make time for yourself again in three ways. Guard your limits: start small and sometimes say no. Share the care with others and dare to ask for help. Use respite care to really recharge.
- You apply for respite care (day care, respite lodging, or a short-term stay) at the Wmo desk of your municipality.
What now?
Take one small step today. To begin with, plan one moment for yourself this week. No matter how small.
Do you really want to be able to recharge? Then call the Wmo desk of your municipality. Ask about the possibilities for respite care. Do you simply need advice or a listening ear? Then you can turn to the MantelzorgLijn.
Do you want to know what help there is near you? Then take a look at Help nearby on this site.
