Maybe it happened slowly. First you did the groceries for your mother. Then you arranged the mail and the doctor’s appointments. And before you knew it, you were arranging a large part of her life. Or maybe your partner became ill. Then everything changed from one day to the next.
Many people who care for someone else don’t call themselves a “caregiver”. They find it completely natural. It’s your father, your neighbour or your child. Of course you help. Yet this is exactly what caregiving is. It’s the care you give to someone close to you who is ill, has a disability, or needs a lot of help. It’s more than the ordinary help people give one another. And it’s often for a long time.
Does this sound familiar? Then know this first: you are not on your own. In the Netherlands, some 4.5 to 5 million people care for a loved one in this way. Caring can be heavy and loving at the same time. Both are allowed to be there. This article helps you get an overview. You’ll read what it means to care for someone else. You’ll also read how to keep it up and what help there is. That help makes it lighter. You don’t have to arrange anything all at once. Take your time and read what fits you.
Am I actually a caregiver?
You are a caregiver if you care often and for a long time for someone who needs it. That can be your partner, a parent or your child. Or a brother, sister or friend. And care has many forms:
- Help with washing, dressing or other personal care
- Going along to appointments or helping with everyday things
- Practical things: the groceries, the household and the paperwork
- Simply being there — a listening ear and emotional support
Maybe you do only a few of these things. Maybe you do almost all of them. Both count. You don’t have to care all day long to be a caregiver.
Something else often happens: your role changes over time. You start by arranging something now and then. Slowly it may become more. That doesn’t have to be a problem. But do pause now and then to check how you are doing. Because that is the heart of keeping it up.
How do I keep it up? Load and capacity
Whether you can keep up the care doesn’t depend only on how much you do. It’s about the balance between two things. Two words help you understand that.
Load is everything that weighs on you. Think of the amount of care. Or how serious the illness is. Your work on top of it, money worries, or having little time for yourself are part of it too.
Capacity is everything that helps you carry it. Think of support from the people around you. Or your own health. Handy aids and help from professionals are part of it too.
Are those two roughly in balance? Then things usually go well. It only becomes difficult when your load stays bigger than your capacity for a long time. Then the care slowly becomes too heavy for you. Often you don’t notice it yourself.
A few questions help you sense your own balance:
- How long have you been caring, and roughly how many hours a week?
- Do you still have time for yourself, for friends or your hobbies?
- Are you sleeping well?
- Do you feel supported by others?
- Is there someone who could take over part of the care?
Do you notice the balance is off? For example, you are often tired. You worry a lot. Or you no longer have time for yourself. Don’t see that as failing, but as a signal. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means it’s time to look for support. And that support is there. Often in more ways than you might think.
Caring and working: can they go together?
Do you have a job alongside the care? Then it sometimes feels like two lives at once. Good to know: doing both is hard, but it can be done. And you also have rights that come with it. You have a legal right to leave. Leave means you are allowed to take time off from your work. Below are your options. They are in order of how quickly you use them:
- Emergency leave — for an unexpected situation. This leave is short and fully paid. For example, if your loved one is suddenly admitted to hospital and you have to leave right away.
- Short-term care leave — for care that is really needed for a sick family member. You may take up to twice your working week per year. You then receive 70% of your pay. You tell your employer. You don’t have to ask permission.
- Long-term care leave — for a longer period. You may take up to six times your working week per year. This leave is usually unpaid. Check your collective labour agreement to see whether something is arranged after all. A collective labour agreement sets out the arrangements about your work. But your job stays protected. You give notice in writing (on paper or digitally), two weeks in advance.
Besides these arrangements, it helps enormously to talk openly with your employer about your situation. Many employers will think along with you. For example about working hours that suit you better or a day working from home. You don’t have to hide your caring tasks. Often it’s a relief once you can talk about it.
What help is there to make the care lighter?
Maybe it feels as if you have to do everything yourself. But you don’t. There is plenty of help to share the care and make it lighter. You don’t have to arrange it all at once. Choose what is pressing the most right now.
Practical help and home care. Does your loved one need nursing or personal care at home? For example help with washing or with medication. That’s called home care. Home care falls under health insurance. You start with the GP. The GP refers you on. Then a district nurse comes by. This nurse looks at what is needed. Together with you, he or she draws up a care plan. Home care is paid from the basic health insurance. You only pay your deductible.
Support through the municipality (the Wmo). Besides care at home, you can also turn to your municipality. That goes through the Wmo. Wmo stands for Wet maatschappelijke ondersteuning. The Wmo helps people to keep living independently at home for as long as possible. Think of household help, guidance or day activities. Or aids such as a wheelchair. Adaptations in the home are part of it too, such as a stairlift. You apply for this at the Wmo desk of your municipality. Then someone comes to your home for a conversation. That is often called the “kitchen-table conversation”. In that conversation you look together at what fits you. After that, the municipality draws up a plan. Sometimes you pay a personal contribution.
Sharing the care with others. You don’t have to be the only one who cares. Divide the tasks with family, friends or neighbours. One does the groceries. Another drives to the doctor. Volunteers can help too, for example with practical help or company. Do you find it hard to keep track of everything? Then someone can help you who organises the care alongside you. That can be a caregiver broker or an independent client support worker. They know what help is available and how to arrange it. You apply for them through your municipality.
A listening ear. Sometimes you don’t need a solution. You just want someone who listens. That’s what the MantelzorgLijn is for. Call free on 030 760 60 55. Or send a WhatsApp to 06 27 23 68 54. You can call for information or advice. And just to share your story for a moment is fine too. Your GP is always a good first point of contact too. Not only for your loved one, but certainly also for yourself.
And what about time for yourself?
In between all the arranging, you easily forget something: yourself. Taking good care of yourself is not a luxury and not selfishness. You can only care well for someone else if you stay on your own feet a little too. Think of an evening with friends, a walk or enough sleep. These are not extras. This is your fuel.
Do you sometimes want to really let go for a while? So you can recover or get away for a few days? Then someone can take over the care temporarily. That’s called respite care. How exactly it works, you can read in a separate article on this site. Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself? That feeling is completely normal. And yet you don’t have to feel guilty. You deserve that space. That way you can keep going for longer.
A quick summary
- Do you care often and for a long time for a loved one? Then you are a caregiver. Even if you don’t call yourself that. And you are not alone in it.
- Whether you can keep it up depends on the balance between load (everything that weighs on you) and capacity (everything that helps you). Does that balance tip? Then see it as a signal to look for support. Not as failing.
- Combining work and care? You have a right to statutory leave: emergency leave, short-term and long-term care leave. And simply discuss your situation with your employer too.
- There is plenty of help to make the care lighter: home care (through the GP), support through the municipality (Wmo), sharing the care with family and volunteers, and a listening ear at the MantelzorgLijn.
- Don’t forget yourself. Time for yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.
What now?
Start small. Choose the one thing that is pressing the most right now. Take the first step there.
- Are you reaching your limit? Or do you simply want to talk? Call the free MantelzorgLijn: 030 760 60 55.
- Does your loved one need care or help at home? Call your GP for home care. Or call the Wmo desk of your municipality for household help, guidance or aids.
- Do you want to know which organisations near you can help? Take a look at Help nearby on this site.
You don’t have to solve it all today. One step is enough.
